Held

Life is so often anything but wonderful. Life is so very often filled with trials that turn daily life into a battle ground. We are living in a mine field. We are living with SPD.

My sweet baby Benjamin is struggling. Now before I go into this I have to (for my own broken heart) say that I recognize that what Ben deals with is nothing compared to what so many mother's sweet babies struggle with. He is healthy. He is strong and beautiful. But my heart breaks for the sweet child that is often trapped behind a confused and angry brain. Since school started a few weeks ago, Ben has become a slave to the spectrum. We have all become slaves to the spectrum. It pains me to watch this disorder control my child; to watch it control my family.

I have become frustrated. I've become angry. I want to be bitter. But towards what? My son? My beautiful little boy's confused brain? What then, I have to ask myself. My Creator? The One who made my child so perfectly in him image? So perfectly. It brings me to tears to write that. Ben is so perfect simply because he is made in the image of God. He is so sweetly beautiful because he is exactly who God want him to be. God planted these seeds of struggle, pain, this seed of Autism in my child to mold him into the beautiful person God sees in him. But I couldn't see that. I couldn't see past my own bitterness.

This past week has been rough with Ben. The novelty of school has worn off. He has started to struggle through the day but holds it together... until he gets in the car and war begins. I hate fighting with Ben. I hate to be screamed at. I hate to be told that my child wishes he wasn't part of a family. I hate SPD. I loathe it. I am so defeated by it. We are both so defeated by it. But tonight, my Father spoke to me, as He is so faithful to do. 

Tonight I sought solace in headphones and mindless internet time. Hoarding information that might be the key to freeing my son from this... mess. I can't even come up for the right word. My usual play list of music numbed my ears and drowned out the dark. Then a line from a song that I've listened to a thousand times crushed me. I played that line again. And again.

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

And it hit me. My bitterness is eating me, it is hindering me from soothing and aiding my child. I have latched on to that bitterness and allowed it to dictated my reaction to everything. I have allowed it to stand between my son and hope; between my son and healing. Bitterness has crept in where hope and patience should have been. It has blinded me from the true purpose of Benjamin's SPD, the true purpose of any thing that breaks our spirit. God is so faithful to gift us with the ability to choose between hanging on to bitterness and anger or finding safe harbor in his arms. He is so faithful to wait for us to come to terms with that bitterness, to leave it behind, to let it go and find hope, patience and healing of our broken spirits in His arms. THIS is truly what it means to be held. To accept this, to grasp that the injustice of a life altering disorder is a beautiful opportunity to turn to our Father. To find peace. To be held.

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held

 

I pray that with the love, strength and guidance of my Father, I can release this hand so tightly fisted to the bitterness that I allow to control me. I pray that He will show me how to help my baby. I pray that he will bring joy back into our lives. That HE will be our joy.

 

 Natalie Grant - Held