It's been a long week, it's going to be a long post!

I am opening with this: the most wondrous twenty three month old little boy in the world and his fabulous dimple. Why because he is cute and uplifting and this blog is about to get a little deep.

 

This week has been long and hard. I have avoided blogging because my plate is full and I have a few things heavy on my heart and mind.

 

I spent Sunday night in Portland with my wonderful sisters, Jessi and Becky. It was a much needed getaway for all of us. I came down with a little something on the way home Monday but all was fine and dandy because I was home with my beautiful children. But Tuesday morning I woke (with a cold) to L whimpering, which is scary if you know L and how boisterous he can be. To say he was hot would be an understatement but I couldn't tell you how hot because for the life of me I couldn't find the dang thermometer. L is a high risk baby. He spent all of last March through June on steroids and one breathing treatment or another to keep his breathing manageable. He was finally diagnosed with asthma but we haven't been able to pinpoint his triggers. So he stays high risk. A high fever and a nasty cough that came out of nowhere warrant a trip to the doctor. He was treated with antibiotics and for the swine flu. I get so scared when L is sick.

 

B woke up on Wednesday hot, 102.8 hot (I sent E to the store to replace the thermometer that I purchased the day before and then lost in my parents couch). I spent the rest of that rainy morning forcing ice water into him and soaking his forehead with cool water. He's a champ though, by Thursday he was fever free and begging me to let him go back to school. Sweet little D spent the entire week healthy, going from brother to brother with a pat and saying "oh baby" in her sweet little voice.

 

But all week I had this on my mind. Wednesday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

 

I am not the parent of an angel baby; I have never had to live through the loss of my child. I have looked down that road though. I have sat next to my tiny baby while a ventilator breathed for him. I have contemplated the loss of a twin who refuses to grow. But my children have been spared. I looked down that road; I cannot fathom having to walk it.

 

I am not the mother of a child lost in pregnancy or infancy but I am marked by it. I am the sibling of loss. My parents lost their son when I was a baby and their infant daughter when I was not quite four. Beautiful Ryan was taken after a short life complicated with Hydrocephalus and illness, sweet Sarah to a terrible accident when she was just six months old. God has a plan that we cannot begin to understand, that we are not meant to understand until we are on His side of eternity. How could we begin to understand why God can take one child, the most beautiful little boy, after a five year battle with illness and disability and then see fit to take a healthy baby girl in the blink of an eye? I've wondered my entire life.

 

Monday was Sarah's twenty fifth birthday; she has been on my mind all month. How much does a small child remember? Enough. I remember the way she smelled like Baby Magic lotion, the print on the fabric inside her black patent leather shoes, the way her Rainbow Bright pajamas felt against my skin. I remember the way the macaroni and cheese felt in my mouth the day she died. I have been blessed with a memory that starts when I was about a year old, honestly! I remember so much of my life, especially as a small child and I can't help but believe that it is to remember her. So that her short life can live on in me.

 

I am so thankful for Sarah and her beautiful little life. I am thankful for the things that God has taught me and given me through her life and death. My mother. I have more respect for my mother than any other person on the planet. How she could not only survive the loss of her children but become the strong and faithful woman that she has blows my mind. My father. My kind and gentle father who has spent his entire life as a father sacrificing and doing everything that he can to make life that much sweeter for us girls. My parents have never failed to show us that while God has plans that we may never understand His plans are always for our good and made with His love. Sarah's life has taught me more about being a mother to my own children than I could begin to share.

 

And finally, isn't it like God in His infinite wisdom, to take a tragedy that no one can begin to understand and bring new life out of the darkness. Four years after Sarah went to her Home, we were given a new baby girl. A sister that would never have been, a sister that I love with every fiber of my being. God works in ways that very often make us feel blind and raw.... and oh so thankful.

 

Becky, my baby sister and I this past weekend, stuck in an elevator!

A concert, an elevator shaft and a turtle... that's all I've got for now!

Oh how sleepy can one person be? Sleepy enough to sit at a stop sign for a good three minutes, rather pissed off that it wasn't turning green... time to go home!

I just arrived safe and sound, home from an amazing weekend away with my sisters. We rented a car, stayed at the Edgefield., saw Ingrid Michaelson , got stuck in an elevator, ate pizza.... I could go on and on.

But alas, I am too tired!

So I will just share with you my newest friend and her turtle baby.

And a memory of my own babies.

My goodness do I love this little girl (and the fact that she now has enough hair to actually cover her head!)

And these little men just melt my heart!

Waiting for the meds to kick in....

I'm not feeling much like writing but what else is there to do when you are in pain and you're waiting for the blessed pain meds to kick in. I had to have a root canal redone today because the dentist that did it over ten years ago missed a few canals! How do you do that!?! Thank heaven for better dental insurance and a better dentist who found that massive infection hiding in my jaw. The work started today and while I really like this other new dentist (I had to go to a specialist), I was unlucky enough to feel EVERYTHING when he finally had the tooth cleaned out and broke through into that lovely infection.... so here I sit, on antibiotics, waiting for the pain meds to kick in.

I did this yesterday. I am so in love with my crocheted animals and such! I crafted this fella for my sister Becky; he'll soon have a snuggly pear shaped home to live in. Love it!

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The twins were so tiny for their first Christmas. They weren't quite eight weeks old but were so infatuated with the Christmas lights on our tree. E would lay L on a blanket next to the tree and he would stare at it for what seemed like hours.

Here is my older sister Jessi with my sweet twins on Christmas morning, L has the binky, D has the fist. I was really excited to share this picture when I found it. Jessi is due to have her own baby girl a month from yesterday. She is finally making me an Auntie Em! I am the most excited Auntie in the world.... as long as you don't could my little sister Becky. But she's already an Auntie (thanks to me!) so I claim myself as the most excited! I have loved this baby since the moment she told us about her (as Becky's bachelorette party!). She is a much awaited addition to our family and I can't wait to meet her!

Amigurumi, Where Have You Been All My Life?

I have been feeling very crafty lately, almost overwhelmingly crafty. I have been sewing skirts, making baby leg warmers and embroidering burp cloths for my sister’s impending baby girl. So when my birthday came around last week, it’s no surprise that all of my gift were crafty things. My lovely sister, Jessi, gave me “Amigurumi Two” by Ana Paula Rimoli. And while I know her gesture was out of pure love, it also came with the hope of some Amigurumi (the Japanese art of crocheting small animals) for their little one. You see Jessi and her husband are expecting their first baby something in early November (making me an Auntie for the first time!!!!!) and they share a love for kitschy woodland creatures. I am SO willing to oblige…

I have been working like mad, my hands cramping up when I finally go to bed at night. But I have found my calling in life: To make whimsical wonders out of yarn.

Ok not really, but I am enjoying myself!

Meet Lolie! The pattern that I used for her is “Olie’s baby” but I altered the pattern and D has been calling her Lolie, so it’s sticking!

These fellas are part of a three fella set. They still need their white spots and for the third fella to be crafted. They have bells in their caps! I adore them! I’m sure that my sister’s baby will love them as much as I do.

Not Me! Monday!

  Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

E and I have been married for nearly nine years. We have known each other for over twelve. So this past week we most certainly did not have this conversation:

E: "So, you're almost 29.... How does it feel to be so old?"

(I should tell you here that HE is 29, not me)

Me: "Um... No E, I am almost 28"

E: "No you're almost 29 because for a few months out of the year we are the same age."

Me: "No... For a few months out of the year we are two years apart."

E: Long Pause. Then he walks out of the room.

Nope not E and I. We are such a perfect married couple, we know each other’s birthdays and the date of out anniversary.

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What a wonderful surprise to come across a picture that you had forgotten about! I came across this one of B and L, how could I forget about this!?! B is such an amazing big brother.

This was taken just a few days after the twins came home from the hospital. B was so captivated by these tiny creatures that had invaded his life. I am so glad that this moment was captured. What a precious memory!

Good bye 27, Hello 28!

Good bye 27, Hello 28. Twenty-seven, thanks for a good year. You treated me better than 21 or 25 but not quite as well as 22. So go your way and tell 28 to be kind to me. I have lofty goals and high expectations for you 28. Good luck, we’ll both need it!

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What do you get when you cross two non-reactive non-stress tests, three long days in the hospital at the end of October and a NICUstaff with a sense of humor?

A set of twins in make-shift Halloween costume!

The twins made their grand entrance on October 30th, 2007. We found out very early in the pregnancy that L was not growing well. We were monitored very closely until I was 35 weeks and after two non-reactive non-stress tests with L, Dr. D decided to admit me and have the babies. This was a Friday… the NICU was full. Because the twins were a month early and L was high risk, they could not be born until two beds opened up in the NICU. Dr.D sent me home with strict instructions to come back first thing in the morning to be admitted. We waited until Tuesday for beds to open up and when they did, Dr.D claimed them and the twins arrived. They were born very early Tuesday morning, 57 seconds apart. D weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 19 inches long. L weighed in at a whopping 4 lbs 15 oz and was 17 inches long. Both babies went to the NICU, L for TTN (transient tachypnea of the newborn) and D for a slightly irregular heartbeat. L had a very hard time maintaining his temperature because he had no fat on his tiny body. It was the last thing he had to do before coming home. He struggled with it until a nurse had a stroke of genius and put him in his sister’s isolet. Who would have thought, right!?! They only spent four days in the NICU and came home with us on Saturday. Both babies had lost over a pound and were having a little trouble eating in the NICU but at home they both thrived!

B holding his baby brother L for the first time with no tubes or wires.

To help L maintain his temperature, we kept the twins swaddled together. I love this picture because it shows just how different they were in size. I can’t believe they are almost 2. They were so tiny such a short time ago.

Have a wonderful day, I know I will!

The Beginning of the Twins

On October 30, my sweet babies will be turning two years old. I am having a hard time with this fact, a very hard time. Ok, not really. I just miss the tiny baby stage. I adore the tiny baby stage. It is the reason I worked in childcare for several years before having my own tiny babies. To make this transition easier for me, I have decided to post a memory about their babyhood every day until their birthday. And what a better place to start than the beginning.

We wanted a second baby, I wanted one desperately. I was simply not created to be the mother of just one child. The second baby did not come easily to E and I, just as the first had taken so long to find its way to my womb. In February, I was late. Just a few days but when you are trying to get pregnant, those days are torture. I got my hopes up and had them crushed. So when I was late in March, I didn’t think about it. I didn’t tell E. After a week of silently torturing myself, I told him. He did a little flip when I told him just how late I was. He was thrilled! I love him. I agreed to take a test in the morning and he woke me at the crack of dawn to take it. I was so scared. That test turned positive, very positive, very fast. Our little family of three went out to breakfast to celebrate. I told the waitress that I was pregnant.

A month later we were finally at our first OB appointment, it had been a hard month with constant spotting that I had only shared with the nurse at the OB’s office and E. I was scared, E was anxious. For some reason I had prepared myself for the worst. This pregnancy felt so different than my first. I was spotting, my belly already felt like it was beginning to grow and I was so sick that I had already lost fifteen pounds. As we left my parents house the night before the appointment, my Mom told us that it was going to be twins. E told her that if it was, she could have one. At the end of that first appointment, Dr.D did a quick ultrasound to find a heartbeat. There is no more terrifying of a sound than an OB saying “Uh…. Hmmmm…..well…”. E and I both froze, staring at the monitor. We both had seen a heartbeat, why the need for the “Uh…. Hmmmm…..well…”!?! Dr. D put the ultrasound thingy on one side of my already swollen belly. “Well,” He said “There is a very strong heartbeat right here.” He ran the thingy to the other side of my belly, “and a really strong heartbeat over here.” We gave him a very blank stare. “It’s twins”. I laughed. E was silent for a moment, staring at the screen where Dr.D continued to flip back and forth between heartbeats. “Crap” He finally said, “I’ve got to call your Mom!”

This is not THE ultrasound; this one was taken at 18 weeks.

We wanted to tell everyone in person. When my Mom called minutes after we left the appointment, she asked if it was twins. I lied through my teeth. Nope, just one healthy baby. She was disappointed. That night we went to my parent’s house to show them the pictures of the "baby". E and I did such a good job of concealing out excitement. I’ll never forget this moment. My Mom was sitting at the dinner table, she asked for the pictures the second we walked through the door. I handed the picture to her, so excited to share this with her that I could burst. She looked at it for such a long time that I thought she couldn't see it. Finally, finally she spoke. “We’ll Emmi” (That’s what most of the world calls me!) “This looks like two babies?” “That’s because it is”. Honestly that was the greatest moment of my life.

This is E and I that night. We look so young and excited. I love it!

I was only 25 weeks along here. Wow!

This was taken at my baby shower. I was almost 29 weeks here.

I got big. Fast! These two were taken at the pumpkin patch about a week before the twins were born (a month early!). Check out that belly button, I don’t remember it being that big!

Wow, that turned into a massive post! Sorry! Thanks if you made it through the entire thing.